Accident

                                                              

                                                     Accident

     I had suspicion about a $17 dollar check the other week and called my bank to put a stop on it. The last time I put a stop on a check was a couple of years ago and they charged me $9.99. Hey, seven bucks is seven bucks these days. I talked to Tracy. The new fee is $29.99. While she had me on the phone, Tracy asked me if I would like to switch my savings account to a money market account to earn more interest. I told her I was fine with the .000000000002 interest I was currently earning annually but asked her anyway what the difference was between the two types of accounts. Tracy said nothing, really  except I would be earning more interest. I then asked Tracy the same question again. Tracy said there was a tiny little fee that would be charged if my savings got below 5 K, a tiny little fee of $15 a month. I said you're already trying to charge me $30 to cancel a $17 check and I was a little too close to 5 K in my account to consider it anyway. Tracy asked me if she could at least send me the paper work for me to look over. Go ahead, Tracy, I said and she did and I stuck it in the drawer. A week after that I got a letter from Tracy welcoming me to my new money market account. I took the letter down to the bank and showed it to a teller named Tracy who informed me that my money had been transferred to a money market account. I demanded to speak to a manager and was directed to a woman behind a desk named Tracy. Tracy apologized profusely and transferred my money back to an ordinary account. A day after that, I got a letter from Tracy saying that if I didn't sign the forms she sent me immediately, she could not guarantee my money would be safe. I called Tracy who said the letter must have been mailed before the account was switched back and told me to just tear it up. I said, "Tear it up? Tracy, you must be kidding. Put in writing all that has illegally happened and mail it to me." There was no apology this time. A day after that I tried to do some online banking and where my savings account used to be was a polite suggestion saying, why not open a savings account? I called right away and was directed by Tracy how to set the web site right. There was no apology. A day later I stopped at the ATM to transfer some money from my savings to my checking and a suggestion popped up on the screen saying, why not open a savings account? I stomped into the bank and was directed to a banker with a name tag that read Tracy. "Tracy.", I said. "You are the one who started all this mess. It's so good to finally meet you. When are you going to jail?" She tittered and chuckled and offered an explanation. "It was an accident."
     "An accident?", I growled. "That's bullshit. I'm a senior trying to live on a thousand and one dollars a month from Social Security and zero jobs because no one will hire anyone over fifty. The fact that I have five thousand in savings is a miracle, a miracle that keeps me from food stamps with a forty year old cap of two thousand in savings. Fix this and fix this now!"
     And just like that, I pressed Tracy's button. "What is it about the word accident that you don't understand? What about me? I'm the one being threatened if I don't make my quota! What am I going to do if I lose my job, work as a waitress? And don't think you're the only person I have to deal with! Try dealing with a single mother working split shifts at Walmart! Try dealing with an adjunct college professor! Try dealing with an Uber driver! You're all whiners but you baby boomers have a lot of nerve complaining what with the government giving you all your entitlements and you having the audacity to live so long, so long that you are bankrupting the nation and enslaving future generations in debt! The country would be so much the better with a hell of lot fewer of you. Why are there so many of you? Why are you people always whining and whining? I lost my job. I have to work eighty hours a week. I lost my apartment! I have to work split shifts that change from day to day! You're getting free money from Social Security and free health care from Medicare. There are warehouses to sleep in and churches to hand out free food. You don't even have to work at all. Everything is just handed to you. You live in the greatest country in the world with the best health insurance and the best schools and the biggest meanest military the world has ever seen and how do you thank those of us who actually pay for it? You piss and moan. I'm poor! I'm poor! If you are so poor, why are you all so fat? Don't eat so much. Save some money. Eat sizzlean. Sizzlean is cheep. Sizzlean has forty percent less fat that bacon. If you ate sizzlean maybe you wouldn't be so fat. How much sizzlean can you buy for a thousand and one dollars? I'm going to tell you what I tell all you whiners. When I tell you it was an accident, it was an accident! Now shut up and get a job or move your fat ass to Russia or Cuba or North Korea or FRANCE!"
     A few days later, Tracy Doe was found floating face down in the Bay. DNA identification was needed as the body had been chewed by fish and eaten away by toxic sludge. Results identified her as an employee of a local bank.  The coroner's office has ruled her death as an accident.